Dear Mum, I see you.

As a midwife, I see a huge variety of women from all walks of life and with them they bring their own personal journey and parenting style. Some women I could just hug and high five all day and you get the feeling that their baby is going home to a well-loved family. It warms you to your core. Then I see the other end of the scale, which isn’t as warming. It leaves you feeling cold, sad and praying for that baby for its life ahead.

But today I want to acknowledge those women in the middle. Those women who are unsure on their parenting. Those women who find themselves in the thick of motherhood and are in limbo between their old life and new. Those women who are now caring for a baby when they have never held or cared for a baby before. To these women I want to tell you something, I see you. I never saw you before, but now I do. It took me meeting one of you for me to open my eyes. I’m sorry I didn’t see you before, but I am so thankful that I found you.

I recently cared for a woman who was in her early 30’s and had just given birth to her first baby. By the time I met her, she had been a hospital patient for 3 days. She had been cared for by a variety of midwives and with that, had received an even larger variety of information. My first encounter with this woman was with her and her mother and they were discussing the conflicting advice she had received and that she didn’t know what was Arthur and what was Martha. Prior to me meeting this woman, I received handover from a fellow midwife who informed me that this woman wasn’t initiating care for her baby and was either getting the staff to do everything or her mum or partner. It had been mentioned that there was concern how this woman was going to cope at home and how she was putting her needs before her baby.

I must admit when I first met this woman and saw her interacting with her baby, I had very similar thoughts. I was frustrated that she was relying on the dummy to quieten her baby with every noise it made, instead of feeding or holding. I was questioning how she spoke to her baby. I was confused on why she sat there demanding everyone else around her perform all cares for her baby.

Over the remainder of the shift, I spent more time with this woman and her family. The more time I spent with her, the more I wanted to hug her and let her know everything will be OK. I wanted to tell her it’s OK - entering motherhood can be a scary place. Don’t be afraid of hurting your baby, because you won’t. They are stronger then we think. I know you're overloaded with conflicting information, but trust your instincts because no one knows you or your baby better then you.

But most of all, I would like to formally apologise to you. I am sorry because I was judgmental towards you. I am sorry because I was a sheep and followed other people's thoughts and opinions instead of forming my own. I am sorry because when I first met you and provided you care, I was a bad midwife.

I also want to say 'Thank You'. Thank you for teaching me, that even though I try not to be judgmental, I can be. Thank you for allowing me to learn and further my midwifery skills. Thank you for teaching me to look at the woman and understand that she is on her own journey and I am only seeing a very small snippet of that journey. Thank you for opening my eyes. Thank you for being you and thank you for embracing my life.

You have changed me. You have made me question. Why are we so judgmental? Why do we base our thoughts on the very small segment we see of each person we care for? Why am I judging this woman for not holding her baby? Why am I seeing it as a fault within her? Why am I not seeing the fault in myself? Maybe this woman had no idea how to hold a baby. Just because I work and care for babies every day and feel confident with babies, that doesn’t mean she does. Why am I forgetting how I felt three days after giving birth? I was a mix with emotions. Totally smitten and in love with my beautiful bundle, but yet this overwhelming feeling that I was attending a funeral. The realisation and mourning that my life I once had and knew so well, was now over. Yes, I was excited for my new life chapter, but yet sad that my previous one had ended. How did I forget crying to my midwife about this?

Why do we expect woman to thrive in motherhood straight away? Why do we expect women to put their babies first the moment from birth? Why did I forget it took my husband three months to realise it wasn’t about just him anymore, but we couldn’t even give this women three days? Why do we not question? Not women, but why? Why is this woman afraid of holding and caring for her baby? Why is she getting her family to do all the care? Maybe it’s a surprise pregnancy. Maybe she never thought she would have children, but here she is with baby. Maybe she’s so in love with her baby, she is afraid she will cause harm and could never live with the guilt of it. Whatever it is, I must never forget there is a story behind the story and maybe if I asked the woman about hers, then maybe the picture would be clearer and I could help her new chapter shine.

I cared for this woman two days in a row and I learnt a lot, but all I can do now is hope I taught her to trust her instincts and to not be afraid of her baby. I hope I explained to her enough that motherhood can be challenging and daunting when your thrown in but take it day by day. Some will be bad but it’s the amazing, awesome, loved filled days that make the ride. I hope she remembers my words “you’re enough and you are all your baby needs” when she questions herself as a mother.